I've Been Avoiding This...

I haven't written about this and I'm not entirely sure why. No I suppose that's not entirely true, I do know why, I'm just not really proud of the reasons.

What am I talking about? The changes in my life that are happening all around me. All of them beyond my control. None of them overtly, significantly or even directly, affecting the occurrences of my every day life. And yet all of them affecting how I'm looking at my life. What I'm doing, where I want to go, what I want to do.... Still, I haven't really explained, have I?

Meagz is gone to Europe. For a month. I've always wanted to go but there was always one thing or another that kept me home. Now I've got the kids and despite any, and likely all, dreams of travel that I have, I guess part of me doesn't believe that I'll ever actually get my chance to do a
"grand tour." Sad isn't it? I've always had everything I've ever wanted; I've never really been denied any thing major and yet here I am, jealous of my little sister because she jumped at chance to go when it fell into her lap.

I'm happy for her, of course I am. I envy her. I don't begrudge her the opportunity. But I'm jealous and I don't like that I am, so I haven't been writing or talking too much about it. I have however been checking my e-mail (and my Facebook) a dozen times a day to see if, and when, she puts photos up or writes a note to us. Yet there is that childish portion of my mind who is still sulking that Meagz got to go and not me.

That is half of what's been bothering me.

The other half, surprisingly, is Jen. She moved. To Edmonton. Again, I am happy for her. I think she and Ed will be happier there, and feel better about what they are doing with their lives now. Me, well I'm just, I'm.... sad? The description fits but not perfectly. I don't like it but I'm glad for them. It's hard to explain.

I suppose it comes down to the fact that I've become used to her being here, within walking distance, if I wanted to see her. It's not like we actually saw each other all of the time. In reality we haven't seen each other all that much over the years, probably once or twice a month,
maybe, and every holiday or special occasion. But she was always there if I wanted, or needed, to see her or talk to her. There's not much to be done about it and in all honesty, it's just something that I have to get used to. I just haven't got to that point yet, where it feels right and where I can stop thinking about me and concentrate on how great it is for her, and for Ed too.

I'll get there, sooner, rather than later, I hope, and when I do I know I'll probably curse myself for being selfish and worrying about me.
Thinking things like: do I want to stay living in this same house, in the same city, forever? No, definitely not. Do I want to stay unemployed and at home with the kids, forever? No, absolutely not. What do I want to do eventually? I don't know and maybe I should be more concerned about that because, after all, I am already 24 but I'm not too worried about it, I'll know when I know. You know?

So in the meantime, Meagz is doing something I've always wanted to do and Jen is doing what she needs to do to be happy and I... I have absolutely no right to be jealous or selfish because while I may not be doing now what I thought I'd be doing five years ago, I am doing what I want. And I am happy. And more than anything, I want them to be happy too because despite our differences, they are my sisters and I love them. Sometimes I may be envious or jealous, resentful or mad, or even concerned, but under it all I'm happy for them, even if I act like a bitch about it.

But I suppose that fits too, since Meagz has always been the Baby, Jen the Wise One, and me, I've always been the Bitch. And, sadly, I've always been good at it. Maybe I should be concerned about that little tidbit too, but again, I'm really not.

So, though it's a little late.... Bon Voyage, Meagz. Have fun, avoid the creepy strangers, take lots of pictures and be careful. And Jen and Ed, congratulations and good luck.


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