A Corner Table in My World

This time of year is always difficult for me.   Difficult.   It’s a ridiculous word to describe it really.   Difficult? This time of year is always painful for me.   Over the years, the pain quotient has varied – some years more, some years less.   But always, always , the pain is there. It’s this time of year when the dreams come back strong and I get even less sleep than normal.   It’s at this time of year that the memories are strongest; memories that the rest of the year I can push in to the recesses of my mind.   Things that most of the time I’d rather be able to forget.   I know that’s not only an unrealistic way of dealing with something, it’s not a fair way.   It’s just an easy way out of a hard situation, which is hardly a mature way of dealing with anything. But that’s the thing, when those memories are strongest and the pain makes its reappearance, I don’t feel very mature.   I feel like that 16-year...

With so much going on in my personal life, I guess it’s not unsurprising that I haven’t been updating.   For anyone who is aware of the particulars of my life lately, it’s probably not a surprise that I haven’t really known what to say, or how to say it. It’s hard to accept when someone that you’ve trusted breaks that trust, and betrays your best interests.  And it can become difficult to move on from that kind of... defeat? I can’t think of another word to describe it.  But as with any time of disappointment in your life, eventually you have to pick yourself up, brush the dust off and keep going. Sometimes that means making the best of a crap situation.  Sometimes that means completely removing yourself and going in a different path. And sometimes it means having the courage to do something that you’ve always wanted to do - no matter how scary, or how big it is.   I’ll be honest with you and say that I wasn’t sure, at first, if the course I was conside...

After months and months of concerns, questions, worries and the occasional contradictory moments of feeling success and unhappiness, it's come to an end. In what is still a baffling turn of events (even after a full month of looking back and doubting myself, my previous actions, asking myself "why?", and generally feeling smaller than I've felt in more than a decade), I'm finally starting to look forward again, to tomorrow and next month and to next year and beyond. And now that I am looking at the future again, I'm beginning to realize that in many ways I've been spinning my wheels. Figuratively, obviously. I've spent so much of the last 6 months waiting. Waiting for this to happen, so that I can do that. Waiting for this person to get me information about something so that I can do that thing. Just - waiting. Now I'm seeing that the holding pattern I was in was of particular design to keep me somewhat busy and somewhat content, so that I was...

I don’t know when I became one of those people who are unable to focus on and successfully work at more than one thing at a time… maybe I’ve always been that way.   Maybe I’m just lazy.   Maybe I wanted to believe that one thing, one outside thing, could make me as happy as the things and stories that go on inside of my head.   For a while I think that it did. For a while it fulfilled me in a way that only writing and dance was ever able to.   Then I don’t know what happened.   Well I guess that’s not entirely true, I do know what happened.   It’s just not something that I can really talk about or explain here. (Legally binding contracts and all that…) And now I’ve spent the last couple of months so – angry? Disillusioned? Depressed.   That’s my fault though, and I know it.   I’ve known it all along; I just, I would rather have someone else to blame.   It’s stupid and it’s dangerous to pin all your hopes, all your happines...