Fifteen Years

This time of year is always difficult for me.  Difficult.  It’s a ridiculous word to describe it really. 

Difficult?

This time of year is always painful for me.  Over the years, the pain quotient has varied – some years more, some years less.  But always, always, the pain is there.

It’s this time of year when the dreams come back strong and I get even less sleep than normal. 

It’s at this time of year that the memories are strongest; memories that the rest of the year I can push in to the recesses of my mind.  Things that most of the time I’d rather be able to forget.  I know that’s not only an unrealistic way of dealing with something, it’s not a fair way.  It’s just an easy way out of a hard situation, which is hardly a mature way of dealing with anything.

But that’s the thing, when those memories are strongest and the pain makes its reappearance, I don’t feel very mature.  I feel like that 16-year old girl again who made the right choices, and okay, made some mistakes too, and still managed to lose.

Is disheartening really, to know that there was really nothing that I could have done to change what happened but still, 15 years later I’m plagued by guilt.  Guilt that I didn’t stop what happened.  Guilt that the situation came to be in the first place.  Guilt that I survived.  And it hurts so much to admit that I feel guilt about any of it.  Intellectually I know that none of it was my fault.  I know that I made the right choices and I gave the advice that needed to be given.  I know that if I had acted differently, everything could have ended differently – maybe better, but maybe, dear God, maybe it would have ended so much worse. 

Now it makes me angry too.  I lost something precious that winter 15 years ago and after it was gone I lost more and more, until I put up walls around myself in the hopes that if no one could reach me, no one else could hurt me again.  The result was a loneliness that changed me and a wariness that I still carry within me today. 

Fifteen years ago today I watched through tears as a life that was precious to me was laid to rest.  I’ve never forgotten the love, laughter or the pain that came with that life, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the crushing sorrow or the soul deep agony that I felt when that life ended. 

And today of all days I remember.

RIP. ALRV.