Not Gone. Not Forgotten. Just... Holding On.

To many people it will have seemed as though the Corner Table Family simply disappeared off the face of the planet in 2018. At least so far as our blog presence suggests anyways. You’ll have seen us online if we’re connected on Facebook, and if we’re connected IRL you’ll know that though we’ve been quieter, we are alive and kicking.

2017 was, to be blunt, a killer year for us. It was full of extreme highs: Little Sister’s wedding, Little Prince’s arrival, and Baby Bee’s birth to name a few. But it was highlighted by a number of extreme lows. Little Prince’s Spring birth and the fear and uncertainty that clung to us like living shadows for months after. Grandpa’s accident on the farm last fall and the outright terror we experienced during the days immediately following. Auntie Ell’s declining health throughout the year, and her eventual death in December.

Then just before Christmas the foundation of our world here in the Corner Table House was rocked to the core when we very nearly lost Heli Dad. For us, following so quickly on the heels of having lost Auntie Ell to her battle with cancer, the incident took a lot of shine off the holiday season. We were understandably shaken and unsure of our future, and what that future would look like. As we stepped into the New Year on January 1, 2018 there was so much to feel, to think about and to consider, I found myself essentially shutting down.

In so many ways shutting down all those thoughts and worries, all the fears, it was necessary for me. With so much hanging in the balance, I still had to get up every day and do all the things, take step after step, after step to live, to move on from the all the moments, and feelings and thoughts that threatened to break me. Eventually, as with everything, all that had been pushed aside had to be faced, and as those moments came along, I was able to do the necessary processing.

And slowly, time marched on.

The days and months of 2018 passed by. Like all the previous years there were good, even great moments, and others that honestly felt pretty damn bleak in comparison. To be fair, what we’ve had to face as a family is something that millions of other people, other families have had to face. We are not special or unique because of the struggles we’ve been dealing with.

The bare truth is that we were blindsided by a situation that none of us expected to ever have to face. We were forced into walking a path which we were wholly unequipped to deal with. The learning curve has been steep and we’re still learning, we will always be learning. The path has not been smooth. The road has not been easy. The struggle has been real and painful, and it hasn’t ended.

Now it’s mid January 2019 – another new year has dawned – and on one hand I’m standing in a place I still don’t fully recognize. But on the other hand, I’m holding on to the one essential truth that the past two years have taught me: when all else is wiped away, family is everything. Struggles will always take place, foundations may be rocked, pain may be all to real, but for family, every single one of those possibilities are worth it.

Because along with the bad there are shining moments of pleasure, days of golden happiness, precious examples of individual and familial triumphs, and more. The good doesn’t outweigh the bad, but there’s a balance to be found that helps to even things out. And sometimes, sometimes, if you allow it, that is enough.

May the scales of your 2019 lean to the good side this year.

Happy New Year Everyone!